This definitely wasn’t a planned post. This contribution, as it were, was triggered by a conversation I had with my wife just this morning.
First off, I feel it’s very important for me to relay that I know I’m not finished with the MAP (Male Action Plan) there are still many things I need to keep improving on. On the flip side, I also feel – when I’m honest with myself – that there are many ‘shit tests’ that I’ve been failing over and over in my marriage. I’ve been reacting the same way to some of these for so long, I honestly probably didn’t recognize them as shit tests.
I also feel it’s important to give a bit of background, even though it may have been addressed in previous posts.
My wife is the “low drive” spouse. There are no emotional or physical affairs involved. My wife also has some issues from her past that even she acknowledges now effect our relationship, especially sexually – honestly in almost any form of physical affection.
In the past we would have ‘discussions’ about this and she lumped all our “issues” into the “sex thing”. That used to piss me off to no end. Many times these discussions would end with my wife saying something to the effect of;
“I don’t know what to tell you. That’s how I’ve always been. If you are unhappy, then maybe you need to make a change.”
In essence, in the past, she has basically told me that if I was unhappy, then I needed to leave.
Of course my reaction was always the wrong one.
That being said, there haven’t been many “sex” discussions in recent memory. I’ve simply done my best to change the way I act and react. I’m much less passive with our sex life and it has improved – greatly.
However there have been two areas that never seem to change.
One is blowjobs. Now readers may believe me or not, and that’s your right, but to honest – Blowjobs just aren’t a big deal to me. They never really have been. Don’t get me wrong – I definitely enjoy them. But in previous relationships, I used to actually get them.
One thing that has intimidated by wife (for lack of a better term) and also influenced by things in her past, is my size. This definitely isn’t a brag post at all. If I could sell a couple of inches, I gladly would. Compounded by the fact my wife has a rather small mouth, well you do the math.
It’s sad to admit, but I received my first real blowjob from my wife last year. It was spurred by her losing a bet in front of a friend.
What I learned about blowjobs is that they aren’t a big deal when you are getting them regularly or your partner is at least offering to give them. That’s the rub for me. If I KNEW my wife would give me one if I asked, I probably would hardly EVER ask for one. There are simply other things I enjoy more. But when I know the odds of getting one are low – human nature kicks in – so of course it becomes ‘more important’.
The other issue is the good old stand by – the hand job. I’ll be upfront here, if I was getting these, the blowjob ‘issue’ (as it were) wouldn’t be an issue at all. To me, there is just something very intimate about my wife touching me. Hell, what man doesn’t want his wife to touch his penis? Duh.
But again, past experiences have influenced this. Add to that a husband who doesn’t SPECIFICALLY bring up this (that would be me for those keeping score) as an issue, and this is where we end up.
Now that I’ve got that out of the way, time to get on with the story.
The conversation started about something involving our child. Something rather ‘small’ in the grand scheme of things, but it spurred a conversation anyway. In the past my wife has told me to “pick my battles” regarding this appearance issue with our child, and for the most part I’ve agreed. If you’re a parent of a teenager, you can probably relate to this. However this morning the roles were reversed. When I told her this morning to “pick her battles” she obviously didn’t like her own words used against her.
As she tends to do, she said her peace, then effectively tried to end the discussion. Most times I would let it slide. This morning, I simply would not let it go. I called her on it. I wasn’t a total dick about it, but I let her know that when a husband and wife try to communicate, one party simply can’t say their peace then move on. It doesn’t work like that.
Voices were not raised. I made sure I never got upset. I stayed in control. And eventually when I brought up affection, she immediately lumped everything under the “Sex Umbrella”. When I let her know that it wasn’t just sex, that there was more to it – well she wanted to conveniently keep it lumped under “sex”.
I FINALLY told her that I didn’t appreciate her always putting it “on me” by telling me in essence “If you aren’t happy, then maybe you need to make a change.”
So I told her that I’m meeting my demands as a husband. So maybe the question should be;
“If you don’t want to be my wife, then maybe you need to make a change. None of the things I’m asking for are anything out of the way for a husband to ask of his wife.”
The discussion ended, she started cleaning house and I left for work. As I drove to work it hit me.
I did it. I basically called her on her shit. I called her on the fact there was nothing wrong with ME for wanting these things from my WIFE.
The odd part? I’m not stressed out really. I’m not worried about losing my wife or family. Do I want a divorce? No, I don’t. But I’ve realized that the only way I’m going to get a healthy marriage with my wife is to call her on her shit. Either she will make an effort to meet my needs, or she won’t. Simple as that.
This has been a MAJOR shit test in my marriage for years and I didn’t even know I was being tested, much less failing it miserably.
Will my wife make an effort? I honestly don’t know. I can’t MAKE her do anything. But I’ve decided that I will SPECIFICALLY ASK for what I want from her. I’m not talking whips and chains and horse whips. Pretty plain jane, vanilla stuff for most couples in fact.
Will it work? I don’t know. And for the first time I realize that I can’t ignore my way past it, I can’t wish for it to change, and I truly can’t control what she does or doesn’t do in the end.
My wife has things she needs to deal with. Things from her past, that she’s never really dealt with. She will either deal with them and move on, or she won’t.
My wife likes to say;
“I’m just not an affectionate person, you knew that when you married me.”
Fact is, she was very affectionate with me in the beginning of our relationship. I’ve also realized (and it’s a big break- through for me at least) that it’s double-edged sword for me.
Early in our relationship and marriage, when my wife showed me SIMPLE, REGULAR physical affection, the other things she didn’t do simply weren’t a big deal.
I know MANY may disagree, that’s fine. This is my marriage and my happiness – no one else’s. I know realize that. EVERYONE is different.
For me, if my wife give me regular, simple physical affection:
A kiss for no reason – Not counting during sex, leading up to sex – or when one of us is leaving. I regularly initiate kissing at random times - but it can’t be one-sided.
A touch – it doesn’t have to be sexual. Touch is an amazing thing. When I am getting touched by my partner – it makes me feel wanted and loved. It’s as simple as that – for me.
Maybe it goes against the common “Men are less emotional and affectionate” grain. I honestly don’t give a shit. I’ve finally realized this isn’t about other men or women – it’s about myself and my wife.
The kicker in all this - the difference in my marriage, my situation from all most all the other examples I see – is that my wife is perfectly fine with our marriage as is. She’s not looking for more. She’s not “ripe for an affair”. That’s just how she has let herself be.
In my ignorance, over the years of our marriage – I’ve let her thing this is NORMAL for us – by me NOT saying anything or showing action to the contrary.
Well late or not, that has changed.
So I guess all I can say is wish me luck. Either this will continue to be a blog about improving myself as a person, as a man – and in turn improving my marriage – or it will turn into a new chapter in my life.
Sure that thought is scary. But I’ve realized that it’s not so scary because I’m afraid of losing anything. The scariest part was putting myself out there, and letting my wife know where I stand. Letting her know that things will change, and hopefully that means with her as my wife.
I know the thought of losing your family is scary guys. For the longest time I simply ‘kept on keeping on’ because I’m a Father. The last thing I wanted to be was a “Weekend Dad”. Well my child is only a few years away from being a legal adult. It’s about time I started being a true Father. It’s time to set an example of what a man should be.