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Monday, April 23, 2012


     It’s definitely been awhile since I posted.  Several people have posted comments, asking on updates.  I didn’t want to leave everyone hanging, and I had been working on this post for a bit.

     Like I’ve mentioned before, normally, when husbands / wives start searching for information and run across blogs such as this, their marriage is in trouble.  Usually it’s been in trouble for quite a long while.  Unfortunately many of us fall into the day-to-day routine of “life” and we don’t realize what’s happened until something jars us out of this comfort zone.  That’s the nature of the beast.  It’s also laziness, pure and simple.

     I’ve known my marriage has had its own issues for quite a long time.  Now my situation is a bit different in the fact that my wife, or myself, have never had any emotional or physical affairs.  The key difference from most situations like mine, at least in my opinion, is the fact that my wife is totally okay with the status quo of our love life.

     It’s not that she doesn’t want me, it’s just that her level of intimacy, physical and otherwise, is much different than mine.  It always has been.  Becoming used to having sex once a month or so had become okay with her, mainly because of the lack of objection coming from me.  Sure, I would bring it up now and again in the past, she might up the frequency for a bit, then it was back to the same old thing.

     In the midst of raising a kid, maintaining a house, a job, paying bills and all the other things that fill our time, we had become complacent in my own marriage.

     News flash people.  If you want more sex from your wife or husband, they don’t know unless you act on this desire.  Just telling them “let’s have more sex” is not going to work long-term.  When you go back to the same old routine, you are telling them it’s okay, without ever opening your mouth.

     In my journey, which is still in its beginning stages, I did my absolute best to focus on what I can change.  I CANNOT CHANGE MY WIFE.  I can’t.  You can’t either.  So I focused on what I CAN CHANGE, and that’s ME.  I started working out, and the difference in how I feel and look is amazing.  I started paying attention to how I dressed and how I acted around everyone, including my wife.  I stopped taking my frustrations out on other things and people and worried about the things I can change.
     What have I learned?

     When you were dating your wife, I GUARANTEE you that you had other hobbies, activities etc filling your time.  You MADE time for your future spouse.  But many times once we’re married we fall into our routine and in the midst of this we stop doing things that we once did, and this leaves what I call “dead time”.  It changes who we are.  It changes how we act and interact with other people, ESPECIALLY our spouse.  We stop being the person we were, and we slowly become someone else.

     STOP FOCUSING ON THE THINGS YOU CANNOT CONTROL!!! STOP IT.

     I’m not saying it’s easy, it’s not.  The ultimate key to this entire journey is LETTING GO.  Yeah, I said it.  If you read all the things Athol and other bloggers / writers put out, and you agree with everything up to the point about leaving or giving your spouse an ultimatum, you are MISSING THE ENTIRE POINT.

     I’m not saying give the ultimatum.  You’ve likely got A LOT of work to do to get anywhere near that point.  And odds are if you put in the work, the real work, you might not even get to that point.

     STOP FOCUSING ON YOUR SPOUSE!!!

     Finally helping with the laundry?  Doing stuff around the house? That’s great.  Now STOP LOOKING FOR YOUR WIFE TO NOTICE!! You’re like the dog looking for a pat on the head or a treat, simply because he didn’t shit on the floor.  He’s not supposed to shit on the floor.  Get it?

     FOCUS ON YOU!!!!!

     Another thing?  There is no “one size fits all” to this.  It’s NOT an exact science.  Like paying attention to your wife’s “cycle”.  This can be a very important thing.  But keep in mind that EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT!!!  For example, my wife is at her “most receptive” right before she starts her cycle.  Keeping this in mind, I’ve enjoyed some tiring mornings getting up to go to work.

     And a couple more things:

     Reading message board, blogs, books etc, these things can help you A LOT in getting on the right path.  They also can be used for moral support and getting through the tough times. But you NEED TO WATCH this time you spend doing this carefully.

     If you aren’t careful, you’ll spend A LOT of time doing this, and in turn you tend to focus on your relationship, or rather the issues in your relationship.  It’s not like you don’t know what you want out of your marriage right?  So why rehash that every day?

     Instead of checking that message board every hour, hit the gym or go for a walk or run.

     Lastly you need to figure out what type of interaction works best IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  NEWSFLASH, your wife / husband isn’t a psychic.  You need to TELL them what you want / expect / need.  If you do this while managing to sound pissy, whiney, demanding, or you do it at the wrong time, you’re asking for it.  Also learn to roll with the punches.  Don’t let them see you disappointed or “needy”.  If you make advances and she turns you down, don’t automatically give up. Push a bit.  Then if she continues to turn you down, accept it, laugh or joke it off and move on.

     NEVER LET HER SEE YOU UPSET ABOUT IT.

     Learn to “detach” a bit.  IF you are the one who initiates conversation etc, change it up.  If you are the quiet one, then talk a bit more.  Mix it up.  STOP BEING SO PREDICTABLE.

     Does it work?  It can definitely work.  But KNOW WHERE YOUR FOCUS IS. 

    

     

6 comments:

  1. Basics that need to continually be pounded home over and over again. Thanks!

    So how is your transformation altering (if at all) your marriage dynamic?

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  2. Well to be honest, I let her know when she's slacking. I'm not an ass about it, and I MAKE SURE I'm not accusing or blaming etc. Once I've said it, I move on, I don't linger on it at all.

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  3. Sounds about right. I have more work to do than you but we are on the same path. Thanks for the insights.

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  4. The point about message boards and other blogs is very important. I think at first folks latch on and are constantly out there, it can easily become a habit. Life is out there not on those boards - they are great for support and for information but shouldn't be an escape.

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  5. Not only can you spend way too much time on blogs and message boards, but some of the stuff out there can be dangerous to your mental health. My wife's affair is over, and our marriage is stronger than ever. But reading certain things can throw me into full-on paranoia. Reading stories of how other people's marriages failed can be instructive, but I have to take it in small doses or I'll go nuts.

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