Back to Basics

            Only a day’s gap between posts, so I’m improving a bit huh?

            So this morning I’m at the gym, sitting in the sauna (mainly since my dumb ass decided to jump right back into lifting after being down with in injury for a couple of months) and basically doing my own form of meditation.

            I see a lot of posts about husbands / guys who don’t want to “game”.  They think all this is bullshit.

            “Why should I have to game my own wife?”

            Well the answer is you don’t.  But keep in mind, unless your wife’s sexual rank is so low that you have to dig for it, odds are if you aren’t gaming her – someone else will be.

            I challenge all you doubters and guy new to these methods – and to myself as well since I’ve become complacent in several areas lately, to try this method instead.  Read the things below and give an HONEST assessment.  Remember, the focus here is not on your wife, it’s not on the state of your marriage or your sex life (or lack thereof) the following is an HONEST (caps again in case you missed the first one) appraisal of YOURSELF.

            Back the the Beginning

Go back to when you were dating your wife.  I don’t care how long ago it was, just think back to those times.  Now strip away all the bullshit.  What do I mean by this?  We all do this, whether we realize it or not.  We look back to when we were younger, to when we were single, and we tend to inflate things.  We start seeing things more like we WANT to see them, versus what things were REALLY like.  You ready?

            Physical Fitness

    There is a lot of focus on this, and for good reason.  But too many of us tend to see our own physical fitness in the wrong light.  Everyone is different, so you need to find the way YOU need to think about this so it makes sense.

Unless you haven’t paid attention to anything you’ve been reading and learning, you know that confidence plays a HUGE role in your relationship with not only your wife, but with everyone around you.  How you feel and think about yourself is huge. 

Trust me, it’s not some “Feel Good” bullshit.  I challenge you to try this “test” and see if you aren’t convinced.

Find a physical activity.

Join a local gym, YMCA or other place where you can work out. 

If that’s not feasible for you, try running.  (Yes,  I hate running too, but it’s effective and free.)

Try searching for “Couch to 5K” and try that.

Search for “One Hundred Push ups” (and the other variations – sit ups, pull ups etc) and try that.

Find something – anything, that involves physical activity.

Now all you naysayers out there, yeah you:

“But I have kids, work, activities to attend, things around the house to get done.  I simply don’t have the time.”

BULLSHIT – It’s the same excuse we’ve all made.  MAKE the time.

This isn’t about you getting more sex, more affection, more respect.  Sure many of these things will follow, but INITIALLY it is not about that at all.  HEAR ME OUT.

Ever heard of endorphins?  Here’s a simple explanation.

Endorphins are biochemical substances made by your body that reduce pain and bring about a feeling of euphoria and well-being.

Winning the lottery? Endorphins. 

Sex?  Endorphins

Pain? Endorphins.

Getting that great new job or a raise?  Endorphins.

Sneaking that first beer?  Endorphins.

Physical activity / exercise?  ENDORPHINS.

Just do it.  Seriously.  You’ll be shocked at how much better you feel and how much more energy you have.  Give yourself two weeks and you might be shocked how much faster the work day goes by, or how you seem to feel more rested when you up.

Yup, you guessed it – ENDORPHINS.

Come guys, wake up. Why do you think these guys jump motorcycles, surf, bungee jump, skydive etc?  When you see that video of some guy doing something insanely dangerous and you think “Why the hell would he do that?  Is he crazy?”  

ENDORPHINS.

You don’t have to run out and go skydiving (not saying it’s not fun – because it is) but do SOMETHING – ANYTHING.

Stop telling yourself it doesn’t matter what you do.  Come on, you’re kicking yourself in the nuts – if you’re reading this you likely don’t need to do this to yourself, you’ve got plenty of other things and people doing that for you.

DIET

Yes, I’m going there.  Look you skinny shitheads who can still eat 5000 calories and not gain a pound?  Screw you – your time is coming.  Nothing looks worse that a skinny guy with a gut.

 

Don’t buy into all the “Try this one simply trick to melt belly fat” hype.  Make this simple.

Dead nuts simple.

Even if your life is about as active as a sloth, your body still burns calories.  It has to.  Breathing?  Thinking?  Heart pumping blood through your body to keep you alive?  All those things happen.  All those things require ENERGY to perform and all those things BURN energy or calories.

Now here’s the important part, the one that so many guys tend to overlook.  So I’ll use myself as example.

I’m a pretty big guy.  Always have been.  I’m 6’3” and 250lbs right now.  People would never look at me and say I was fat.  But I definitely know I need to lose some weight.  It helps I have big legs, broad shoulders and a thick neck.  If I didn’t, people would probably start politely referring to me as “stocky”.   That’s the nice way of saying “Lose some weight fat ass.”

So let me introduce you to the BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate).  What is BMR?  It’s simply the amount of calories your body needs to MAINTAIN your current state.

Here’s the formula (you can always find a calculator online, but hey – doing math actually burns calories too.)

English BMR Formula:

MEN:  BMR = 66 + (6.23 x weight in pounds) + (12.7 x height in inches) – (6.8 x age in years)

So for me it goes like this:

66 + (6.23 x 255) + (12.7 x 75) – (6.8 x 40)

66 + (1588.65) + (952.5) – (272)

2607.15 – 272 = 2335.15

So if I do NOTHING but lay may ass in bed all day and breath, my body will burn 2335 calories.

Now we need to take in account our amount of activity.  We’ll do that using the HARRIS BENEDICT FORMULA.

-        If you are sedentary (desk job, little to ZERO exercise) BMR x 1.2

-        Lightly active (light exercise 1-3 days a week) BMR x 1.375

-        Moderately active (moderate exercise / sports 3-5 days a week) BMR x 1.55

-        Very active (hard exercise/sports 6-7 days a week) BMR x 1.725

-        Extra active (hard exercise and physical job ) BMR x 1.9

So let’s day I don’t hit the gym at all.  The most exercise I get is walking to the bathroom at work and walking to my car to go home. 

2335.15 x 1.2 =  2802.18

That means my body NEEDS 2800 calories or I start to lose weight.

Now what if I hit the gym 5 days a week?  Some weights and the stationary bike for 30 minutes every morning at a fast pace?

2335.15 x 1.55 =  3619

Big Jump Huh?

Now keep in mind every POUND of fat is 3500 CALORIES.

Want to lose a pound of FAT a week?  Reduce your calories by 500 calories every day.  It’s that simple.

Start counting your calories, there are free web apps, smart phone apps, you name it they have it.

Once you start counting it’s easy.  And keep in mind what you DRINK as well.

Don’t worry about your weight right off – just keep working, trust you’ll FEEL BETTER, and guess what?  Feeling better, it’ll totally change how you ACT and REACT to those around you as well.

Here’s the part I like about this “diet”.  Don’t worry about what you eat, just list what you eat and add up the calories.  Simple as that.

Back at it -

         My last post was in August huh? Wow…that’s some serious procrastination.  Well not really.  Like I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, in addition to being a husband, a father and holding down a full time job, I’m also involved with coaching – that does eat a lot of my time.

 

     So people have been asking

     “Any updates to my situation?”

     Well, yes and no.  How’s that for covering my bases.

    

     Sex frequency in my marriage has improved greatly.  I’ve finally realized how much the difference in my work schedule and my wife’s schedule makes in our marriage.  Taking that into account has helped.  I’ve also come to realize that many of the things I want to improve in my marriage simply can’t be changed by me.

     Let me get a little deeper here.

     First off, for you guys reading the forums, the books and the blogs, don’t despair.  This stuff DOES work.  Sex rank? Yes it’s valid. So much of it is simple stuff – but it truly does work. 

     In my marriage I now full face the fact that my wife has issues with intimacy.  Issues that she had long before she met me.  And to be fair about it – I surely didn’t help matters by burying my head in the sand early in our marriage.  It just made digging up all the underlying issues that much harder.

     My opinion is that if I work on ME, I simply start to feel better about myself.  My confidence comes back.  I tend to simply enjoy each day a little more without really trying.  I know this to be true, I’ve experienced it before – but that doesn’t mean I’m not stupid enough to slip and get in the same lazy ass loop.

     I aggravated an old injury working out again.  That was annoying.  Then family visited.  Then my coaching schedule got hectic.  Then my job started to get crazier than normal.  All these are perfectly valid things that can happen to anyone.  They are also easily used EXCUSES that you can use (I did) to slack off on the gym, slack off on other things that you know make you better. 

     So yeah, I’m guilty.  Put some work in, saw some improvement, but then of course I “rediscovered” things I’ve known all along and I got discouraged.  Nasty little loop there.

     So I’m back in the gym.  Regardless of my schedule, it WILL become a permanent part of my daily routine.  Regardless of the other things it may do, it simply has too many benefits – not to mention making me MYSELF AGAIN – not to mention all the other side benefits.

     I also have to start making sure to not get lazy in certain aspects of my marriage. 

     I’ll go deeper a bit in my next post -  but in essence BE THE MAN of the relationship.

     If you WANT sex, ASK FOR IT.  IF you want a kiss, KISS HER.  Don’t make this rocket science.  Don’t leave any room for “Interpretation”.  Women aren’t psychic.  Spell it out in simple terms. 

     If your wife is not the type to initiate sex, then take on that role and don’t overthink it.  Odds are, if your sex life starts to improve, your wife WILL initiate.  IN HER OWN WAY, you’ve just got to notice it.

     You two are lying in bed.  You roll over to go to sleep.

     “Are you tired?” Your wife asks.  For my wife that is code for “Wanna have sex?”

     Sure, in a perfect world, I’d like my wife to come to bed naked and rub on me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.  But the reality is, she’s never done that. Ever.  Odds are she won’t.  It’s not her way.

     Maybe your wife plays a bit of footsy.  Or she turns the TV off when normally she’d keep it on.  WAKE UP and notice the things around you.

     And for your own sake, stop with the “It’s just pity sex” argument.  It’s stupid.  If your wife didn’t want to have sex with you, she wouldn’t.

     Stop reading so much into everything.  Life isn’t a Hallmark movie and it damn sure isn’t a porn either.  It’s likely a road somewhere in between with occasionally dips and occasional peaks.  Take the good with the bad, just recognize the good or you’ll start thinking it’s all bad.

    

    

    

    

Be Careful What you wish for - You might get it. And it might not be what you wanted at all.

Haven’t posted in a quite a while.  Like I’ve said before, this time of the year is ESPECIALLY busy for me.  Normally I’m hard pressed during Summer months to find time to cut the grass. But I digress.

I’ve been running the MAP, but I’ve also changed up some other things just to see how my wife would react.  On the positive side – I’m getting sex a lot more than I was before.  I’m confident I could get it 2-3 times a week without much fuss at all.  Now here comes the detractors telling me NOT getting sex, when I obviously could, is not Alpha.  Yes, you are right.  However there is a rub to all this. The MAP, the self-improvements, the pulling your head out of your ass and actually taking stock of your life and what’s going on around you. 

So for all those wishing for more sex – be careful.  You might just get want you THINK you want now – but this new self-awareness, this new ability to think and analyze before you act or react?  It can come with some rather sobering side-effects.

I’ve been married more than 15 years.  It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing by any means.  But I’ve come to a rather shocking conclusion in the last few months.  A conclusion I think I came to a rather long time ago, but refused to acknowledge it.

First a little history.  I’ve covered some of it before in my blog – but I need to make this clear.

In my wife’s past, she was sexually abused my male members of her extended family.  To EXACTLY what extent, she’s never shared. Bits and pieces have come out, but whenever we get rather deep into this subject, she tried to make the point that she’s not a victim, it doesn’t affect her now – and the subject is changed.

She’s never received counseling for it.  We received marriage counseling at one point in our marriage and the counselor asked to see her alone.  After two visits, she decided she was done with counseling.  I think the counselor had put two and two together and my wife was definitely not comfortable with talking about her past.

I highly doubt this abuse consisted of penetration or sexual intercourse.  Not that it matters, abuse is abuse. However I do think that the abuse has caused her to be pushed away from physically touching and engaging the male sex organ.  Trust me on this one.  Once in a blue moon this has come out in conversation, but she will never expound on it.  It seems to be off limits.

My wife is very closed off to sex outside of HER norms (missionary, occasionally – on request – her being on top) and oral sex (giving) and even receiving can make her uncomfortable at times.  Personally I have come to the conclusion, until she gets counseling or hands-on therapy to deal with her aversions, caused from events in her past, she will never progress on this front.  And to be honest I wasn’t a help in this area.  I simply tried to ignore it and keep on keeping on.  Stupid move on my part.  It just enabled her behavior.

Add to this her being not comfortable with her body. Granted she has gained weight over the years, but I still find her very physically attractive.  Problem is – the reality is – it doesn’t matter what I, or anyone else thinks, it’s HER perception that matters.  She’s admitted this. She talks about losing weight and getting in shape, but she’s never moved much beyond words.  She’ll make half-hearted attempts to exercise and watch her diet, but she is easily derailed from this path by using easy excuses. 

The next part I will talk about came as a shock to me, but it makes sense.

My wife WAS VERY physically affectionate when we dated, after we moved in together and even after we married. It wasn’t until after our child was born that this tapered off. This coincided with her being treated for depression – which she never acknowledged. 

With more sex happening – Good thing right? I’ve realized that affection from her is still sorely lacking.  I’ve realized that is a BIG thing for me.  Always has been. You’d be shocked at what you can suppress and gloss over when you put your mind to it.  Kissing only happens when someone leaves the house, leading up and during sex. 

Touching, even non-sexual touch, is definitely lacking as well.

These are big things to me. I’m only now realizing again how much of a big thing.

The other issues that FINALLY dawned on me – in reality I finally had the balls to admit it to myself “out loud”.  We work different schedules.  I work days, Monday through Friday.  She works evenings on a rotating schedule.  In reality, we don’t spend much time together AT ALL.  It finally dawned on me how little we actually have in common and how little we actually interact directly with each other.

In the harsh light of reality – I truly doubt we’d still be married if we worked the same hours. 

Harsh, but unfortunately true I believe.

I’m not packing it in by any means. But this realization, me being able to finally admit this to myself, it means WE have a lot of work ahead of us. 

At some point – there will be NOTHING ELSE I can do to improve our marriage.  It will come down to HER action.  HER wanting to change / improve HER own life.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, she’d go on like it is now and just figure that’s the way it’s supposed to be.  I know there are doubters out there – that she’s ripe for an affair.  I know this sounds like me being a true asshole – but part of me wishes she would have an affair, but she is oblivious.

If she had an affair, at least there would be something that could spur a confrontation  - something different that could be used to spark some change and real conversation on our relationship. Weird and selfish sounding I’m sure.  But I think something that harsh and jarring would be needed to push her out of her routine she now calls her life.

On the flip side, an ultimatum could serve that purpose, hopefully ending up making our marriage better – and saving it in the process – but I’m a long way from being where I need to be to make an ultimatum.

Until then?  I’ll do my best to keep working the MAP, keeping improving ME (because that’s really ALL I can do) and who knows.

Time to put up or shut up.......

     This definitely wasn’t a planned post.  This contribution, as it were, was triggered by a conversation I had with my wife just this morning.

     First off, I feel it’s very important for me to relay that I know I’m not finished with the MAP (Male Action Plan) there are still many things I need to keep improving on.  On the flip side, I also feel – when I’m honest with myself – that there are many ‘shit tests’ that I’ve been failing over and over in my marriage.  I’ve been reacting the same way to some of these for so long, I honestly probably didn’t recognize them as shit tests.

     I also feel it’s important to give a bit of background, even though it may have been addressed in previous posts.

     My wife is the “low drive” spouse.  There are no emotional or physical affairs involved. My wife also has some issues from her past that even she acknowledges now effect our relationship, especially sexually – honestly in almost any form of physical affection.

     In the past we would have ‘discussions’ about this and she lumped all our “issues” into the “sex thing”. That used to piss me off to no end. Many times these discussions would end with my wife saying something to the effect of;

     “I don’t know what to tell you.  That’s how I’ve always been.  If you are unhappy, then maybe you need to make a change.”

     In essence, in the past, she has basically told me that if I was unhappy, then I needed to leave.

     Of course my reaction was always the wrong one.

     That being said, there haven’t been many “sex” discussions in recent memory.  I’ve simply done my best to change the way I act and react.  I’m much less passive with our sex life and it has improved – greatly.

     However there have been two areas that never seem to change.

     One is blowjobs.  Now readers may believe me or not, and that’s your right, but to honest – Blowjobs just aren’t a big deal to me.  They never really have been.  Don’t get me wrong – I definitely enjoy them.  But in previous relationships, I used to actually get them.

     One thing that has intimidated by wife (for lack of a better term) and also influenced by things in her past, is my size. This definitely isn’t a brag post at all.  If I could sell a couple of inches, I gladly would.  Compounded by the fact my wife has a rather small mouth, well you do the math.

     It’s sad to admit, but I received my first real blowjob from my wife last year.  It was spurred by her losing a bet in front of a friend. 

     What I learned about blowjobs is that they aren’t a big deal when you are getting them regularly or your partner is at least offering to give them.  That’s the rub for me.  If I KNEW my wife would give me one if I asked, I probably would hardly EVER ask for one.  There are simply other things I enjoy more.  But when I know the odds of getting one are low – human nature kicks in – so of course it becomes ‘more important’.

     The other issue is the good old stand by – the hand job.  I’ll be upfront here, if I was getting these, the blowjob ‘issue’ (as it were) wouldn’t be an issue at all.  To me, there is just something very intimate about my wife touching me.  Hell, what man doesn’t want his wife to touch his penis? Duh.

     But again, past experiences have influenced this.  Add to that a husband who doesn’t SPECIFICALLY bring up this (that would be me for those keeping score) as an issue, and this is where we end up.

     Now that I’ve got that out of the way, time to get on with the story.

     The conversation started about something involving our child.  Something rather ‘small’ in the grand scheme of things, but it spurred a conversation anyway.  In the past my wife has told me to “pick my battles” regarding this appearance issue with our child, and for the most part I’ve agreed.  If you’re a parent of a teenager, you can probably relate to this.  However this morning the roles were reversed.  When I told her this morning to “pick her battles” she obviously didn’t like her own words used against her.

     As she tends to do, she said her peace, then effectively tried to end the discussion.  Most times I would let it slide. This morning, I simply would not let it go.  I called her on it. I wasn’t a total dick about it, but I let her know that when a husband and wife try to communicate, one party simply can’t say their peace then move on.  It doesn’t work like that.

     Voices were not raised.  I made sure I never got upset.  I stayed in control.  And eventually when I brought up affection, she immediately lumped everything under the “Sex Umbrella”.  When I let her know that it wasn’t just sex, that there was more to it – well she wanted to conveniently keep it lumped under “sex”.

     I FINALLY told her that I didn’t appreciate her always putting it “on me” by telling me in essence “If you aren’t happy, then maybe you need to make a change.”

     So I told her that I’m meeting my demands as a husband.  So maybe the question should be;

     “If you don’t want to be my wife, then maybe you need to make a change.  None of the things I’m asking for are anything out of the way for a husband to ask of his wife.”

     The discussion ended, she started cleaning house and I left for work.  As I drove to work it hit me.

     I did it.  I basically called her on her shit.  I called her on the fact there was nothing wrong with ME for wanting these things from my WIFE. 

     The odd part?  I’m not stressed out really. I’m not worried about losing my wife or family. Do I want a divorce? No, I don’t.  But I’ve realized that the only way I’m going to get a healthy marriage with my wife is to call her on her shit.  Either she will make an effort to meet my needs, or she won’t.  Simple as that.

     This has been a MAJOR shit test in my marriage for years and I didn’t even know I was being tested, much less failing it miserably.

     Will my wife make an effort?  I honestly don’t know.  I can’t MAKE her do anything.  But I’ve decided that I will SPECIFICALLY ASK for what I want from her.  I’m not talking whips and chains and horse whips.  Pretty plain jane, vanilla stuff for most couples in fact.

     Will it work?  I don’t know.  And for the first time I realize that I can’t ignore my way past it, I can’t wish for it to change, and I truly can’t control what she does or doesn’t do in the end.

     My wife has things she needs to deal with.  Things from her past, that she’s never really dealt with.  She will either deal with them and move on, or she won’t.

     My wife likes to say;

     “I’m just not an affectionate person, you knew that when you married me.”

     Fact is, she was very affectionate with me in the beginning of our relationship.  I’ve also realized (and it’s a big break- through for me at least) that it’s double-edged sword for me.

     Early in our relationship and marriage, when my wife showed me SIMPLE, REGULAR physical affection, the other things she didn’t do simply weren’t a big deal.

     I know MANY may disagree, that’s fine.  This is my marriage and my happiness – no one else’s.  I know realize that. EVERYONE is different.

     For me, if my wife give me regular, simple physical affection:

     A kiss for no reason – Not counting during sex, leading up to sex – or when one of us is leaving.  I regularly initiate kissing at random times  - but it can’t be one-sided.

     A touch – it doesn’t have to be sexual. Touch is an amazing thing.  When I am getting touched by my partner – it makes me feel wanted and loved. It’s as simple as that – for me.

     Maybe it goes against the common “Men are less emotional and affectionate” grain.  I honestly don’t give a shit.  I’ve finally realized this isn’t about other men or women – it’s about myself and my wife.

     The kicker in all this - the difference in my marriage, my situation from all most all the other examples I see – is that my wife is perfectly fine with our marriage as is.  She’s not looking for more.  She’s not “ripe for an affair”.  That’s just how she has let herself be.

     In my ignorance, over the years of our marriage – I’ve let her thing this is NORMAL for us – by me NOT saying anything or showing action to the contrary.

     Well late or not, that has changed.

     So I guess all I can say is wish me luck.  Either this will continue to be a blog about improving myself as a person, as a man – and in turn improving my marriage – or it will turn into a new chapter in my life.

     Sure that thought is scary. But I’ve realized that it’s not so scary because I’m afraid of losing anything. The scariest part was putting myself out there, and letting my wife know where I stand.  Letting her know that things will change, and hopefully that means with her as my wife.

     I know the thought of losing your family is scary guys.  For the longest time I simply ‘kept on keeping on’ because I’m a Father.  The last thing I wanted to be was a “Weekend Dad”.  Well my child is only a few years away from being a legal adult. It’s about time I started being a true Father.  It’s time to set an example of what a man should be. 

    

     

Better late than never...

     Yeah, so my resolution to post more to the blog hasn’t exactly panned out.  Sue me. This is the busy time of the year for me.  I’m sure I’ll be oozing out daily posts come Winter time again.

     I’ve actually been thinking about what I could share here – so here goes.

     Once you’ve started to work on your Alpha traits as a husband, once you’ve established that sex is a non-negotiable part of marriage – (I’ll address the haters in just a sec – don’t get your thongs in a wad) there comes a point when you can set a standard, and believe it or not, it will work most of the time.

     The other day I just felt like shit. I had a splitting headache, work is adding more and more roles to my job (same paycheck though – SHOCKER!) and it was just in general a shitty day.  Of course this happened to coincide with it being my wife’s day off.

     Just to recap – I work the Monday through Friday 8-5 grind.  My wife works evenings, and has a rotating schedule.  So that means days off in the middle of the week etc.  That also has come to mean that pretty much every one of her day’s off = sex.

     Before people start getting all wadded up, this doesn’t mean every day off.  My wife is very Beta when it comes to sex. She EXPECTS me, the MALE – the HUSBAND  - to initiate sex.  While she has some very subtle ways of letting me know she wants sex – her very beta way of initiating – the majority of this responsibility rests with me. 

     I’m fine with that – now.  After pulling my head out of my ass a while back I realized that it should be my job.  I want sex, I need to initiate sex – I need to communicate this NEED to my wife.  Note – I did use NEED – not want.  Google it. It’s a fact validated by science – men need sex. Period. Dot. End of Story.

     Now back to her days off.  Some days I just don’t feel like having sex.  Now that are sexually frequency is picking up, I’m much more laid (pun intended) back in this area.  Funny how that works.

     Oh the frequency part?  Let’s just say once every few weeks would have been “average” not too long ago.  Now, going more than 5 days or so is simply not acceptable.  I fully expect that to increase as well. 

     It’s a funny thing – to have more sex – you need to have more sex. Kind of like the “You need money to make money” thing. 

     Anyway, I left work early. Head was killing me.  Like I’ve got a brain tumor / ice pick in my forehead headache.  I don’t get headaches, I don’t even get hung over – so this really sucked.

     Turns out getting in bed and closing my eyes was remedy enough. Wife was out running errands, so I simply went upstairs and laid down.  Now granted I still wasn’t in a great mood when I did wake up – but I was still getting over the headache and I had a lot of shit going on.

     So from my wife’s reaction I was pretty short with her and the kid the other night.  I didn’t apologize for it. No one is perfect, everyone has a bad day.

     The difference in now and not too long ago?

     Later that night, I told my wife “Let’s go upstairs.”

     Her reaction? 

     “Now?”

     My answer was of course, “yes now.”

     We went – we saw – we came. No 3 hour porn star session, but mutually beneficial and pleasurable. We both went back downstairs and watched TV laying on the couch.

     Guess who felt A LOT better?  Guess who noticed how much better I felt and acted after getting laid? That’s right.

     So don’t overlook the simple stuff.  You may not even realize that getting laid is what you need.

      

Tunnel Vision is a killer.............

     I got another kick in the nuts (email) from Ian to update everyone. Okay so it’s been what, almost a month?

     Just busy.  I’d love to have another 2-3 hours in the day, and I’d have plenty of time to update the blog.  I will try to make a point to update my blog every morning. We’ll see how that goes.  Right now I’m working restoring a ’65 Chevrolet truck (already completely in pieces),  my season as a travel baseball coach has already started and it eats up a good bit of my time and typically lasts until the end of September.

     I’ll say it again.  If you are TOO FOCUSED on your blog, on reading other blogs, and they all have to do with your marriage, sex in your marriage (or the lack thereof) you aren’t doing yourself, your marriage or your wife any favors.

     Look, I LOVE tequila.  I like cheap tequila. It has its time and place. I like GOOD tequila.  No training wheels please, just a bottle and a pack of smokes. I like VERY EXPENSIVE tequila, the more colorful the better. But too much tequila has never had a positive outcome in my experience.  It’s the reason so many people hate tequila. Is it tequila’s fault you didn’t eat anything, the proceeded to do ten shots of house brand? Is it tequila’s fault you did a body shot off that blonde with the hairy back? No it’s not.  But now you don’t enjoy tequila.

     Same goes with focusing TOO much on your relationship or what’s lacking in your relationship.  If you spend more than an hour a day reading forums, blogs and website about sex, marriage, sex in marriage etc, then you need to workout more.  REALLY. I’m serious.

     I would have called bullshit a year or two ago if someone else had posted what I’m getting ready to post. So be it.  Sometimes it takes some time to get past yourself and see something for what it is.

     Someone once said (several well-known marriage counselors have used the quote and a couple have claimed it – so I’m leaving it be as a unnamed source):

     “If you are satisfied with your sex life in your relationship, sex is only 10% of the equation. If you aren’t satisfied with your sex life, it’s 90%.”

     Clear as mud?

     Look except for cases where your wife is warming someone else’s sheets, or you simply don’t even speak to your spouse, if you think you aren’t getting enough sex from your wife there are reasons behind it.  And if you don’t ADDRESS THOSE REASONS, or rather rule out those reasons / causes YOU CAN CONTROL ( and NO I don’t mean bitching at your wife when she doesn’t seem enthused when you roll her over at 6 am and say “Hey wanna do it?”).

    

     We’ve talked about it over and over. Is your wife physically attracted to you?  Are you HAPPY with the way you look?  Do you act like it? Do you dress like it?  Some recent studies put over HALF our country as being overweight on the way to obesity.  Are you in that portion?  Can you see your belt without craning your neck hard enough to give you a pulled muscle?

NOTE: If while reading this you start saying to yourself “Well my wife isn’t exactly a spring chicken, and she could stand to lose a few pounds.” STOP. THIS WON’T HELP YOU AT ALL.

Women get to play by a different set of rules. They have the vagina. Period. Dot. End of story. Can you think of any woman (Janet Reno doesn’t count and Rosy and Roseanne? Come on…stop pushing your luck) that could NOT get laid if they wanted to? REALLY?

     The only thing you can control is YOU. That’s it. So instead of whining to your wife “Honey do you still think I’m attractive?” (BTW – Even if she answers YES, she’s less attracted to you JUST from you ASKING THAT QUESTION). Get out there and IMPROVE YOU. Don’t do it for your WIFE and the sex it may or may not get you.

     Stop focusing on the sex of lack thereof. Seriously. I’ve been there. I know how hard, maybe even impossible, this seems.

     Now once you’ve stopped putting the pressure on her, believe me she feels the pressure if she’s not giving you enough sex, go through a “cool down” period. That’s where you concentrate on you. Don’t be a dick. Don’t ignore her. Do your shit. Take care of your stuff as a husband, father / provider – all that jazz. As your Grand Dad would say “Suck it up and drive on Nancy.”

     This is more than a few days BTW.  But aside 30 HONEST days to actually concentrate on working on yourself. TRY IT. What do you have to lose? It’s not like you’re getting “Laid like tile” (as Athol loves to say).

     After those 30 days, go for it. But make sure you don’t make it seem like it’s a big deal. This DOES matter. Find out what a “NO!!!” is versus a “I really don’t feel like it tonight, I’m tired.” (BTW the last? That’s woman code for – well I’m on the fence, I could go either way). Once you get it, do it well. I don’t mean act like you’re auditioning for a porn scene.

     Do you know what turns your wife on?  Do you know how to make her climax? Does she like it fast? Slow? Which position does she like?  HINT: Many women don’t need or want you to screw them for an hour straight.  They are just fine with 20 minutes of you warming them up and then 20 minutes of you finishing them (AND YOU) off – or less. If you are efficient you can get the same FAVORABLE result in 15 minutes as you can in 45 minutes.

     Once that’s covered, make sure you wife see a “new” you. Don’t get it twice in a week and go back to the Al Bundy. (Sitting on the couch with your hand down your pants and the other hand in a potato chip bag).

     SPOILER ALERT : WOMEN LIKE CHEESY ROMANCE BOOKS

     They say they don’t. Check your DVR for hidden soap opera episodes, I swear it’s in their DNA. Just because they tell you they think girl movies are stupid, doesn’t mean they don’t like them.  There is a difference.

     HOMEWORK:  50 Shades of Grey

     Research it.  Get it in your wife hands without her knowing it was you.  You might be surprised on what happens from there.

     It’s women book porn.  If your wife gets hot and bothered watching a George Clooney movie, and you get laid afterwards, in part because of this, are you happy? Are you wanting to buy George a beer? Or are you thinking, or GOD FORBID saying, “why do you want to have sex after watching him on television? Would you rather have sex with him?”  (Your sex rank just went negative….NEXT)

     Look, there are marriages out there that won’t be saved. Note I didn’t say “Can’t”. I said “won’t”. IT happens.  And EVENTUALLY, after you’ve got YOUR SHIT under control, you may have to investigate a possible ultimatum.  But most of the time?  One or both simply doesn’t want to put the effort in. And if you are thinking right now “Why should I workout and get in shape and do all this shit to get laid by my wife?”  Well I got news for you, it might benefit you to go start looking for your next ex-wife.  But keep in mind you’ll be doing the same things you say you shouldn’t have to now, to attract the next woman in your life.

    

     

     It’s definitely been awhile since I posted.  Several people have posted comments, asking on updates.  I didn’t want to leave everyone hanging, and I had been working on this post for a bit.

     Like I’ve mentioned before, normally, when husbands / wives start searching for information and run across blogs such as this, their marriage is in trouble.  Usually it’s been in trouble for quite a long while.  Unfortunately many of us fall into the day-to-day routine of “life” and we don’t realize what’s happened until something jars us out of this comfort zone.  That’s the nature of the beast.  It’s also laziness, pure and simple.

     I’ve known my marriage has had its own issues for quite a long time.  Now my situation is a bit different in the fact that my wife, or myself, have never had any emotional or physical affairs.  The key difference from most situations like mine, at least in my opinion, is the fact that my wife is totally okay with the status quo of our love life.

     It’s not that she doesn’t want me, it’s just that her level of intimacy, physical and otherwise, is much different than mine.  It always has been.  Becoming used to having sex once a month or so had become okay with her, mainly because of the lack of objection coming from me.  Sure, I would bring it up now and again in the past, she might up the frequency for a bit, then it was back to the same old thing.

     In the midst of raising a kid, maintaining a house, a job, paying bills and all the other things that fill our time, we had become complacent in my own marriage.

     News flash people.  If you want more sex from your wife or husband, they don’t know unless you act on this desire.  Just telling them “let’s have more sex” is not going to work long-term.  When you go back to the same old routine, you are telling them it’s okay, without ever opening your mouth.

     In my journey, which is still in its beginning stages, I did my absolute best to focus on what I can change.  I CANNOT CHANGE MY WIFE.  I can’t.  You can’t either.  So I focused on what I CAN CHANGE, and that’s ME.  I started working out, and the difference in how I feel and look is amazing.  I started paying attention to how I dressed and how I acted around everyone, including my wife.  I stopped taking my frustrations out on other things and people and worried about the things I can change.

     What have I learned?

     When you were dating your wife, I GUARANTEE you that you had other hobbies, activities etc filling your time.  You MADE time for your future spouse.  But many times once we’re married we fall into our routine and in the midst of this we stop doing things that we once did, and this leaves what I call “dead time”.  It changes who we are.  It changes how we act and interact with other people, ESPECIALLY our spouse.  We stop being the person we were, and we slowly become someone else.

     STOP FOCUSING ON THE THINGS YOU CANNOT CONTROL!!! STOP IT.

     I’m not saying it’s easy, it’s not.  The ultimate key to this entire journey is LETTING GO.  Yeah, I said it.  If you read all the things Athol and other bloggers / writers put out, and you agree with everything up to the point about leaving or giving your spouse an ultimatum, you are MISSING THE ENTIRE POINT.

     I’m not saying give the ultimatum.  You’ve likely got A LOT of work to do to get anywhere near that point.  And odds are if you put in the work, the real work, you might not even get to that point.

     STOP FOCUSING ON YOUR SPOUSE!!!

     Finally helping with the laundry?  Doing stuff around the house? That’s great.  Now STOP LOOKING FOR YOUR WIFE TO NOTICE!! You’re like the dog looking for a pat on the head or a treat, simply because he didn’t shit on the floor.  He’s not supposed to shit on the floor.  Get it?

     FOCUS ON YOU!!!!!

     Another thing?  There is no “one size fits all” to this.  It’s NOT an exact science.  Like paying attention to your wife’s “cycle”.  This can be a very important thing.  But keep in mind that EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT!!!  For example, my wife is at her “most receptive” right before she starts her cycle.  Keeping this in mind, I’ve enjoyed some tiring mornings getting up to go to work.

     And a couple more things:

     Reading message board, blogs, books etc, these things can help you A LOT in getting on the right path.  They also can be used for moral support and getting through the tough times. But you NEED TO WATCH this time you spend doing this carefully.

     If you aren’t careful, you’ll spend A LOT of time doing this, and in turn you tend to focus on your relationship, or rather the issues in your relationship.  It’s not like you don’t know what you want out of your marriage right?  So why rehash that every day?

     Instead of checking that message board every hour, hit the gym or go for a walk or run.

     Lastly you need to figure out what type of interaction works best IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  NEWSFLASH, your wife / husband isn’t a psychic.  You need to TELL them what you want / expect / need.  If you do this while managing to sound pissy, whiney, demanding, or you do it at the wrong time, you’re asking for it.  Also learn to roll with the punches.  Don’t let them see you disappointed or “needy”.  If you make advances and she turns you down, don’t automatically give up. Push a bit.  Then if she continues to turn you down, accept it, laugh or joke it off and move on.

     NEVER LET HER SEE YOU UPSET ABOUT IT.

     Learn to “detach” a bit.  IF you are the one who initiates conversation etc, change it up.  If you are the quiet one, then talk a bit more.  Mix it up.  STOP BEING SO PREDICTABLE.

     Does it work?  It can definitely work.  But KNOW WHERE YOUR FOCUS IS.